A Difficult Cycle

I am currently starting the fifth week of my fifth cycle of chemotherapy. I have to say, this has been a difficult cycle. Each cycle seems to be unique, with a different side effect being dominant. The list of side effects doesn't change much, but it appears that each side effect has its day in the sun, or in this case, its cycle to be the mother of all side effects.

You've seen previous posts about hand foot syndrome. That was a major issue in cycle one and came up again briefly in cycle four. There has been the ever present chemo-gut sickness that seems to be more pronounced in the evening. This has been there for every cycle, but seemed to be dominate in cycle four.

This cycle has brought on two issues that I am asking you to pray for. The first, is one that has always been there but just not in a significant way. It is fatigue. Fatigue is that feeling of absolute total tiredness, a feeling that you can't even afford to expend the energy to get up from your chair. On some days, it is so bad that even the act of getting out of bed after nine hours of sleep seems to take too much energy. It isn't an everyday problem. Take this week for example, Tuesday was horrible. I slept nearly ten hours before waking up late on Tuesday. I woke up tired and stayed tired, no, exhausted, all day. However, the next two days were great, some fatigue, but no exhaustion.

The other issue that has come up this time is a new one. It is something that I feared when I saw it on the side effect list at the start of my chemo program. It is depression. Not the total dark, suicidal, kill me now kind of depression. No, this is just a vale of darkness that seems to fall over me when I least expect it. Sometimes, as I'm getting ready for bed. I'm so tired but can't get strength to sleep. That darkness will fall. Or maybe it's at the office and I just can't put it all together to complete an important task. That darkness will fall.

Finally, there is the issue of the findings from my last CT scan. Has my cancer returned? Or, is it simply unexplained shadows or a malfunction in the CT equipment? I go to the cancer center on Monday for a new set of CT scans, then back again on Thursday to visit with my oncologist. I believe that the weight of the fact that there may be something more that is wrong with me has only contributed to the fatigue and the depression that has been there for this round of chemo.

I'm being very open with everyone here. Open in a way that I have not really been before. Why? It's simple. I need your prayers. This cycle of my chemo and my current emotional state has been more than I had been prepared to carry. I know that our Lord is able to see me through this. Please pray with me that He will provide the strength I need to continue doing with I love to do each day at Book of Hope. Pray that the darkness that creeps up occasionally will be cast away with the enemy who brings it on. And pray that the visit to the cancer center will reap nothing but good news and praises to our Lord.

Thank you for your prayers and thank you to all those who have sent notes of encouragement. I truly appreciate you all.